I Have Changed

I have just returned to my little, normal hometown of Wheaton, Illinois after 4 months of living in Costa Rica and I have returned changed.  In being taken out of the comfort of what I've always known and being immersed into a completely different world, I've been forced to confront things that I've never been exposed to before, been separated from all the people I've grown up with to find out who I am without them, and been given the opportunity to distinguish whether or not my faith is truly my own.

I have been learning so many things lately, especially now that I'm home-- I've been processing everything.  I feel like I've been thinking and overanalyzing everything more than I ever have in my life before.  I'm finding out who I am and what my purpose in this life is.

So far, I think I can fairly say that Costa Rica has been (and I know this is so cliché, but) a life-changing experience, full of both crazy joy and deep hardships.  Now, I've been realizing that while I love to have fun and laugh at the crazy things God puts in my life (and believe me, I've had some insanely fun and hilarious experiences), but when it comes right down to it, I tend towards taking life seriously.  And I think that this is both a blessing and a curse.  

I've been learning that this world, this life, the things of this world, the relationships I'm forming-- none of these things, even if they bring me temporary joy, will ever fully satisfy me.  They can be good things--don't get me wrong-- but the reality is that we live in a fallen world.  It's as simple as that.  Everywhere I go, things just aren't quite right.   I have now lived in two different cultures and am learning that though we might differ in many ways--how we do things, how we think-- it all comes back to the same thing.  We are all people and we share the same desires-- to be loved, to find joy, to find peace, to discover something in life that promises a hope in the midst of the hurting and brokenness that we are constantly bombarded with.  

So basically, it comes down to this.  I went to Costa Rica, had some amazing experiences and met some amazing people, don't get me wrong, but I was never completely satisfied, so I thought, well, it will be better when I get home.  I'm home now and I have that same feeling of "What's wrong with this picture? Why am I still not satisfied?"

And here's the answer.  There is only one person that completely satisfies.  There is only one thing that brings the hope of change in this fallen world.  And believe it or not, it's not Republican policies, or Barack Obama, or donating a portion of our income to charity to try to feel better about ourselves, or waiting for the church to step up and finally make a difference.  Maybe I'm not saying this clearly, but the point is that our human efforts will fail and will continue to fail.  ALWAYS.  We cannot do anything about these crazy problems that we struggle with every day.  So where the heck is the hope?

Well, you probably guessed it.  The hope that I've been trying to get back to in the midst of my depressing rant-- Jesus.  The fact is that we continuously fail on our own efforts because we were not made to function apart from God.  We were made to be completely inhabited by God and to reflect the moral qualities of God.  But in the Garden of Eden, we chose independence of God and that is where everything fell apart.  Nevertheless, ever since then, God has developed the perfect plan to draw us back to Himself and to  a state of dependence on Him.   He did this through sending His only son, Jesus Christ so that He could take upon Himself all of our crap so that we can be righteous in God's eyes and have the hope of redemption and an eternal life of perfection, without pain and suffering and brokenness.

Here's the point.  I have a purpose that is beyond just me-- we all do.  It's not all about me.  In fact, it's hardly about me.  I am just the smallest little person who constantly struggles with doubt and fear and trusting and fulfilling my own selfish desires and trying to find satisfaction.  And honestly, what it comes down to is that I can do nothing about it.  I am a sinful, self-centered, fallen human being who continuously tries to succeed by my own efforts.  But the beauty of this hard truth is that because of Jesus, I don't need to do it on my own.  We don't need to deal with all the brokenness of this world by ourselves.  We have a hope and a future.  My value and worth in this life comes from who I am in Christ.  And let me tell you-- this is a beautiful reality.  I have seen this power of Christ working throughout the world through His people and this power has the ability to change even the coldest most removed heart.  And the way that I’ve seen God work in my life and the lives of others is simply too beautiful for words.

So anyways, this past week, after returning from Costa Rica, has been a very emotional one.  I’ve been struggling with having to face decisions about finding a job and my future-- what God wants me to do in the fall, and with the rest of my life, for that matter.  And all I can say is that God answers prayers in His timing.  He found me a job, praise the Lord!  But I’m still waiting to figure out what He wants from my future.  And it is frickin hard not knowing, especially when I tend towards emotions of fear and doubting and lack of trust.  And I know that God’s plans may contain pain, fears, and suffering, but I also know that they are good for those who are following Christ.

I now know, without a doubt, my life purpose.  I don’t belong with anyone or anywhere except to a living God and I am here to let the beauty of Christ shine through my life and my being so that others might see what I have in Christ and find hope in Him.  And God doesn’t want me to dwell on the past and “better times” or to worry and fear about my future.  He wants all of me-- here and now in the present.  I need to live every day by faith and in complete dependence of Him.  I am called to love others unconditionally as Christ loves me-- that includes everyone, my brothers and sisters in Christ, the people at my new job, my family, or even that random person that I see in the check-out line of some store.  Everyone needs the love of Christ shown to them.

The more I learn about God, the more I learn how vastly insignificant I am and that the only thing I can do is give everything that I am to Christ so that He can work His will in whatever way He chooses through me.

And I need to always remember to count my blessings, because as I said, I sometimes take life too seriously and overlook the little miracles that Christ puts in my life everyday.  My prayer for you is that you discover the same beauty and freedom in this truth that I have.  

Anyways, I know I’m not very good at writing, but hopefully the truth in these jumbled words will speak for itself. Life is hard, but there is hope in Christ and all we have to do is sit back and let Him do what He will in our lives, all to His glory.

You are my supply, my breath of life, still more awesome than I know.

You are my reward, worth living for, still more awesome than I know.

And all of You is more than enough for all of me,

for every thirst and every need.

You satisfy me with Your love,

and all I have in You is More than Enough.

Well, yes, right. That's all. :)